I am very conditioned to expect the worst from myself. A lifetime in this world will do that to a person. Bad and scary things happen, and I find myself thinking, “of course this is happening to me.” I know this isn’t fair thinking. Plenty of beautiful things have happened in my life too. Magical and glad things. Miraculous things.
I used to literally think that I wasn’t made right. That something was basically wrong with me. Looking around, it seemed like other kids, and teenagers, and adults all knew something I didn’t.
Big Changes
And then I went through one huge life transformation after another for about 8 years. I got divorced. My son got Leukemia. I got breast cancer. I got married. Just to name the headliners. Any one of those things would have been enough to shake me into a new reality. All of them combined flipped me upside down and sideways. It was an intensive period of me learning how to fully and finally be me.
This meant me acknowledging decades of hurts and devastations. Allowing them to rise up in me and having enough courage to look at them. A beautiful thing began to happen. These memories of the worst moments of my life began giving me gifts that they had always held for me: Understanding nuances in relationships, seeing strength where there seemed only weakness, tools to choose kindness over reactivity. And then with open hands and an open heart, I was able to release those sticky, painful, remembrances. The gifts remained.
The more I was able to do this, the more those visceral reactions I felt in my body when I was triggered, began to release. I found that going forward, as those same things would come up in me, I didn’t relive the past pain. I was able to hold a curious and eventually grateful space in my mind as well as my body.
Reiki Sessions
In my Reiki practice, one of the things I do with my clients is help them release energies that are no longer serving them. I get to teach them to be present with the memories that come up in them that are asking for attention. This is a very intimate experience. When my clients are able to be brave and vulnerable, some remarkable things happen: Release. Restoration. Deep connections.
Nearly every client I have worked with has expressed a fear that when we are in this vulnerable space together, I will see them for who they really are. And they are right. But most people are scared to death about this because they want to be good, but they are afraid they’re bad. Or something is wrong with them. I understand this completely having spent the greater part of my life fearing these very things.
The Truth About Souls
And this is my favorite part about being a Reiki practitioner. The human soul is breathtaking to behold! It is shiny and vibrant and unafraid. It emanates love and connection. To see the soul is like looking at the sun, if the sun were a fire in a hearth in a cozy cabin when there is snow falling outside. It is like looking at the stars and knowing they are named and that they hold the stories and the truths and the maps of all of us ever to have walked the Earth beneath them. And this thing, this utterly devastatingly beautiful soul-thing that resides in every single one of us is what I get to see and contact when I am sitting in a session with a client.
Usually I cry. Sometimes it’s a little awkward because it is truly overwhelming for me. If I had just the right words, I could show you who you really are, and you would never doubt your worth and strength and connection ever again. But I do my best, with what little vocabularies I possess to convey these things. Some people are relieved, some doubtful. Some people have the revelation for themselves and get to see the heart of them for the first time. These people will be changed for the rest of their Earthly lives.
We’re In This Together
This is also why I write. I want you to know that you’re not alone. That we’re in this together. If you could see to the center of yourself, to who you truly are underneath the fear and anxiety, the rushing around and giving and giving until you’re empty. Underneath any anger or hurt or disappointment, you are a soul that could lovingly impact every living creature in your vicinity. There is nothing wrong with you, or me. So, let’s be brave and shine together.
If you think you’re not enough, or need restoration or deep connections, or you’d just like to shine, let’s be friends~
🙏🙏💜🥰
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