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On Writing A Book

Taya Sanderson Kesslau is

This is how far I got this morning when I sat down to make forward progress on the book I am wanting to publish this year.  Yes, I know it’s already July.  Yes, I am fragile and defensive.  I woke up that way.  Also, I woke up with sore muscles, an ankle that won’t hold my weight, and generally, out of sorts. 

I am not a procrastinator

However, since I have decided I want to publish a work of my poetry, I have found out that I am not only a procrastinator, but a creative and successful one!  Anything that could take me away from sitting at my computer and writing a synopsis of my book, for example, suddenly becomes an item of great importance and priority to me.  I am surprising and annoying myself these days.

A few days ago, I pulled out my enormous wipe board and made myself a to-do list in hopes of getting myself back on track.  I pulled out all my calendars and wrote “book” on nearly every weekday as a reminder to work on my book nearly every weekday.  I meditated. I did a crystal spirit card reading to boost my morale.  And I gathered all my poetry books into a pile so I can look at how it’s all been done before.

This morning, I thought I’d work on the “about the author” part of the project.  This is how far I got:  “Taya Sanderson Kesslau is                “.  The cursor on my computer screen just sat there blinking at me while I proceeded to have a panic attack.  A panic attack.  Interesting.

I had to step away from my desk for Kleenex.  Breathing in and out, calming down.  After a number of nose-blows and wiping my tears, I began to ponder.  Obviously there are things asking for your attention.  What is wanting to come to the surface of you?  And there it was:  I’m afraid I’m not enough.

I’m afraid I’m not enough.

The thing about this fear is that it is my best and most familiar fear.  I know this one intimately.  I am an expert at this fear.  This fear has compelled me to exhaustion throughout my life as I have strived to prove myself.  As I have outdone, outrun, outlasted, and outperformed myself into an anxiously depressed quivering pile of goo.

My fear that I am not enough has single-handedly driven me to the end of myself and beyond, where I have found, to my great astonishment, a still and quiet place.  When all my doings and distractions have run out, and I am still, and quiet, an amazing thing happens.  When I stop my running and ranting and fretting and turn around and face the thing I fear is chasing me – you are not enough – I remember how well I know it.  And, I am enough.

And in this still and quiet place, I remember to step back into my power.  Into the truth of who I am.  I am Taya Sanderson Kesslau.  I get to tell a beautiful story with my life.  And there is healing in the telling. 

So, it is time for me to tell my story.

 . . . . . well, parts of it, at least.  Thirty poems, to be exact.  Thirty poems, an introduction, a blurb about the author, and a brief but interesting synopsis to draw people’s interest.

Thankfully, the tidal wave of panic has passed and the last vestiges of my adrenaline are ebbing.  I can feel my flow returning.  That gentle reassurance that I’ll have what I need when I need it.  I always do.  And now I have some good work to do~

So if you are a procrastinator, or a striver, if you’re afraid you’re not enough, let’s be very gentle with each other, and let’s be friends~

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