Taya Sanderson Kesslau is
This is how far I got this morning when I sat down to make forward progress on the book I am wanting to publish this year. Yes, I know it’s already July. Yes, I am fragile and defensive. I woke up that way. Also, I woke up with sore muscles, an ankle that won’t hold my weight, and generally, out of sorts.
I am not a procrastinator
However, since I have decided I want to publish a work of my poetry, I have found out that I am not only a procrastinator, but a creative and successful one! Anything that could take me away from sitting at my computer and writing a synopsis of my book, for example, suddenly becomes an item of great importance and priority to me. I am surprising and annoying myself these days.
A few days ago, I pulled out my enormous wipe board and made myself a to-do list in hopes of getting myself back on track. I pulled out all my calendars and wrote “book” on nearly every weekday as a reminder to work on my book nearly every weekday. I meditated. I did a crystal spirit card reading to boost my morale. And I gathered all my poetry books into a pile so I can look at how it’s all been done before.
This morning, I thought I’d work on the “about the author” part of the project. This is how far I got: “Taya Sanderson Kesslau is “. The cursor on my computer screen just sat there blinking at me while I proceeded to have a panic attack. A panic attack. Interesting.
I had to step away from my desk for Kleenex. Breathing in and out, calming down. After a number of nose-blows and wiping my tears, I began to ponder. Obviously there are things asking for your attention. What is wanting to come to the surface of you? And there it was: I’m afraid I’m not enough.
I’m afraid I’m not enough.
The thing about this fear is that it is my best and most familiar fear. I know this one intimately. I am an expert at this fear. This fear has compelled me to exhaustion throughout my life as I have strived to prove myself. As I have outdone, outrun, outlasted, and outperformed myself into an anxiously depressed quivering pile of goo.
My fear that I am not enough has single-handedly driven me to the end of myself and beyond, where I have found, to my great astonishment, a still and quiet place. When all my doings and distractions have run out, and I am still, and quiet, an amazing thing happens. When I stop my running and ranting and fretting and turn around and face the thing I fear is chasing me – you are not enough – I remember how well I know it. And, I am enough.
And in this still and quiet place, I remember to step back into my power. Into the truth of who I am. I am Taya Sanderson Kesslau. I get to tell a beautiful story with my life. And there is healing in the telling.
So, it is time for me to tell my story.
. . . . . well, parts of it, at least. Thirty poems, to be exact. Thirty poems, an introduction, a blurb about the author, and a brief but interesting synopsis to draw people’s interest.
Thankfully, the tidal wave of panic has passed and the last vestiges of my adrenaline are ebbing. I can feel my flow returning. That gentle reassurance that I’ll have what I need when I need it. I always do. And now I have some good work to do~
So if you are a procrastinator, or a striver, if you’re afraid you’re not enough, let’s be very gentle with each other, and let’s be friends~